Ten things to not do

I composed a list of things that I feel like we should not do on or to ourselves. This list is not in order of importance. If reading this list gives you any ideas that you feel like you should execute on yourselves at home, I do not take any responsibility for your actions.

1. Suture ourselves. What are we talking about here? Sewing ourselves back together. I've seen Rambo do this, but I never really considered this as a DIY project, ever. I opened an email just today, from someone in my community, offering a class in suturing, because you never know when you might need to save a life, especially since we're getting close to 2012. The class is $40, a real steal when you consider the fact that just a co-pay alone, for a medical visit is twenty dollars. Add up the premiums that go along with it, and you'll find the clarity in just how inexpensive a needle and suturing material (thread?) is. I'm not sure if there is any "hands on" in the classroom. Possibly "hands on" in creating a gaping wound for something to "hands on" suture.

I googled suturing kits, and guess what? It's not only available, but you can get one with an 18 piece suture kit so you can perform 26 fun projects. The manual includes exciting chapters such as;

-How to make a granny knot and a square knot

-How to correct a dogs ear

-How to correct uneven levels of tissues

-Attaching suture material (rawhide?) to the needle

They recommend children should get parental permission before sewing on someone.

2. Make your own designer jeans. This was one of those trendy things that captured Mormon moms everywhere, back in the '82. Does anyone remember Girbaud jeans? They were about $100 a pair. By today's economy, that is like paying $374 a pair now. Mom's across Utah learned how to make jeans from scratch that included double stitching as well as rainbow variegated thread for ultra fancy pocket designs. I never had a pair of Girbaud's nor a pair of mom designer jeans. That's balance my friends.

3. Diagnose multiple personality disorder by yourself, and yourself, and yourself. Getting that 2nd or 3rd opinion doesn't count here.

4. Start your own control burn. Because they simply just get out of control even if you try to blow it out.

5.Tattoo ourselves. This one involves needles again. Okay, listen, if you're a tattoo artist and you know what you're doing, then you are not who I am talking about. If you're not a professional, but you bought a kit to start doing tattoos, and you like that jaggedy, uneven line work, too heavy coloring that bleeds a nice blue halo a full inch around the whole design, and the work "in progress" that never gets finished, then I guess I'm not talking about you either. (snicker) I'm only referring to the people who buy their tattoo kit, find a connection to a certain stencil provided in the kit, you know, the one that says "smile", and they tattoo their own inner forearm, who then shows it to family and friends and because they can get that tattoo for themselves for free just for letting the budding tattoo artist get some practice, now we have that same bad tattoo with blue halo's on 7 more forearms, and They're. All. Bad.

6. This.

7.Butcher your own home raised turkeys in front of your kids using their swing set to hang the turkeys from to drain the blood gushing out of their necks if you ever want them to enjoy turkey for Thanksgiving ever again. It's disturbing.

8. Smell a kids finger when he asks you to.

9. Make your own lightning machine. Scary. This is truly a death waiting to happen.

And there you go. Yeah, I guess there's only 9. But I think they're really good ones.